So I've been away awhile, and while I could say I was just busy with work (which is absolutely true, I have been super busy with work), I've also been trying to figure out what to do with my life. There was a point where I was pretty much having an existential crisis every day, and it didn't really make for good blog material.
I've kind of come to a decision, and that decision is to go back to university to study a degree I am actually interested in.
You may remember me blogging through my first degree (you definitely won't remember) but pretty much from the first year of studying Law, I knew I didn't really want to be lawyer.
I think we pick the subjects which determine our entire future far too young. I picked my A-levels at age sixteen, and while I'm sure many sixteen year olds are motivated and have a good head on their shoulders, I was an idiot at sixteen. I had no idea what I wanted, I was basically told to do the subjects I was naturally good at, so that's what I did.
I have regretted it ever since. I have always regretted not pursuing Maths and Physics, and because I didn't have the A-levels, my entire future was restricted.
I have been thinking about this for years. I considered doing an Open University degree, I toyed with teaching myself Maths and Physics A-levels, I thought about doing an Access to Higher Education course.
Every time I chickened out, thinking that I've been out of education too long, I'm not good enough, I won't be able to cope etc. etc.
This year though, I just decided to take the plunge. I applied to a uni through Clearing as a mature student. I got in on a foundation year (which means you cover A-levels basically in year 0 before moving to year 1 which is the normal start of a BSc). My course starts tomorrow.
I am terrified. I am really terrified. As this is my second degree, I am self-funding, which means I am spending all my savings to do this. The consequences of failure are severe.
I also need to find a part-time job asap but it hasn't been easy since I'm still serving my notice period at my old job (if anyone is looking to hire a social media person who specialises in paid social but also has marketing, e-commerce and merchandising experience, hit me up). There's also the fact that I'll probably be the oldest person in my classes, I've been out of education for so long and I'm so rusty - what if I just can't do it? What if this was a terrible life choice?
I don't know what's going to happen. I know what I want, but whether I can achieve it is a whole other story. But that is the decision I've made, and while it's a bit of a crazy (and bloody expensive) one, I honestly think that if I don't even try, I'll always live in regret.
So this is my life now. I'm back to being a broke student again. Back to studying and timetables and exams, after years of being a working professional. It's going to be a big change, and I've basically been trying not to think about it, mostly by re-watching To All the Boys I've Loved Before on Netflix. I've seen it four times, I'm not even joking, it is a masterpiece. Peter Kavinsky? Peter Kavinsky. Plus the beautiful cinematography, Lara Jean's freaking bedroom, Lara Jean's freaking outfits, KITTY, the writing, the acting, the soundtrack - it's near perfect, I tell you, and I am really not the kind of person who says that often. If you haven't seen it (why haven't you seen it? Is it because once you watch it no other romantic comedy will ever again live up to the high expectations this film has created?), go watch it, because the only thing that will disappoint you is that true life is nowhere near as good as this film.
I don't know where my life will end up, whether this degree will be the best or worst decision I've ever made. Much like Lara Jean, I'm kind of just going for it and hoping for the best.
I'm sure I'll blog about it, I have plans (I always have plans). So for now, goodbye, and I'll see you soon. Maybe a year from now I'll be writing another blog post where I have my life figured out (but probably not).
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